The Postpartum Side Effect That Haunts Me

What if I wake up my baby in the middle of a nap? Will I ruin the rest of the day? What if my baby gets hungry when I’m at lunch with friends? Will I be able to breastfeed her openly in public? What if I don’t break up this piece of food small enough? Will she choke? What if I don’t pump for as long tonight? Will that ruin my milk supply? What if we go out of town? Will that mess up my daughter’s sleep?

This is just a glimpse into the extremely pestering thoughts that I sometimes can’t shake. The ones that I work hard to pretend aren’t there. The ones that many people wouldn’t know I have. The ones that sometimes dictate my life. You’ve probably self-diagnosed me by now (don’t worry I have too thanks to a Google search.) It’s anxiety and it’s almost as annoying as it is to spell (no one? Just me?)

Some people think that anxiety is an excuse due to stereotypes, but probably because they haven’t experienced it themselves. I’ve had the occasional stressed out or anxiety ridden feelings in the past, but I experienced my biggest dosage the day I left the hospital with my daughter. My thoughts immediately gunned it towards the future. When should I feed her next? Is she eating enough? Should I wake her up? Is this pain normal? I talked myself down many times and eventually waved it off to the influx of hormones racing through my body post delivery. However, I didn’t realize that the hormones weren’t going to slow down anytime soon.

These sometimes unbearable thoughts find their way into my everyday life now. I worry about things that haven’t happened yet and things I can’t control. The “What Ifs.” It’s the postpartum side effect that I least expected and the one that haunts me. I do my best to find ways to cope. Finding relaxing activities or prioritizing time for myself. My husband is a great listener and he often talks me out of the chokehold that is anxiety. But often times I don’t want to admit they are there. I have anxiety right now thinking about other people reading this. What do they think of me? Should I not post this for the world to read? Do they think I’m pretending? Do I sound whiny?

My true self knows that most people probably aren’t thinking negative critical thoughts (if you are, then no one is making you read this.) I also know that I choose to be vulnerable if it helps another mom realize that they aren’t alone in their feelings. Postpartum anxiety is real. Anxiety is real. In a society where life can seem glamorous online and admitting that you’re not okay can be seen as weak, I choose to be honest. Simply because anxiety can feel lonely and it helps to express how I feel because I know that someone out there will read this and feel the same way.

So, what’s the cure? For me, the best medicine is finding time to decompress, relax, and care for myself. Reading a good book to escape my overwhelming thoughts, spending time with my close friends just talking and hanging out, going on a walk, taking a bath, sitting outside in the sunshine.The best medicine of all is hearing my baby laugh or seeing her smile.

It’s been a long postpartum journey and I don’t think that postpartum is capped off at a certain time. I believe women experience postpartum well past their baby being born. I’m still learning the new me. With all of her flaws, insecurities, weaknesses, passions, desires, and strengths.