Learning What It Means To Be A Mother

One of the most common questions people asked me when I was pregnant was, "what are you most worried about when becoming a mom?" I used to say, "that the baby won't sleep well" or "that I won't have a social life anymore." Well, if you asked me now, I would say something completely different, and it would shock my pregnant self.

In fact, someone did ask me that question again recently. I was at a dinner for my friend's birthday, and I was making small talk with some of her friends I was meeting for the first time. Her friend, who didn't have kids, asked, "what was the most surprising part of becoming a mother?" I instantly felt a sting in my eyes where tears were starting to form. This girl had no idea that what she had just asked me poked at a very fragile piece of my heart. She didn't know that this month was the most challenging part of motherhood for me thus far. I fought back the tears and admitted, "feeding my child."

My Worst Nightmare

Let me start from the beginning. When my daughter was 2 months old, I experienced a nursing strike. For those of you who aren't familiar with the term, it's when your baby suddenly decides to refuse breastfeeding. To make a long story short, this can happen for numerous reasons and my doctor (and my extensive internet research) believed it was due to teething. I was told to keep making attempts to nurse, but obviously give bottles if needed. So I pumped, and gave my baby bottles. One day, she magically stopped refusing me and all was well in the world until it wasn't.

Three weeks went by with easy care free feedings. I still gave the occassional pumped bottle, but my daughter nursed when offered. Until, the one day she decided not to. I was instantly heartbroken. My nightmare had returned and I had absolutely no idea why. I assumed it was teething, but it didn't make sense. My daughter would wake up in the mornings and peacefully nurse, but then for every other feeding of the day she would scream her head off like I was torturing her if I tried to get her to breastfeed.

At first, I remained calm and patient. I figured it would go away after a week or two like last time. So, after three weeks, I lost my self control. Every chance I got, I was searching the internet trying to find out what could be wrong. I was researching "how to get your baby to nurse again." My previously good supply was tanking from the stress. I was finding myself avoiding and dreading social outtings, because all I wanted to do was work with my baby to resolve the issue. It consued my life and my thoughts.

My Breaking Point

I felt hopeless and I felt alone. I couldn't talk to my husband about it, because he is a man. I couldn't talk to my mom about it, because she never breastfed. I was embarrassed to talk about it with my friends who were also moms, because I felt like a failure. I was completely issolated. One day, I finally decided that I needed help and I called a lacatation consult and made an appointment. I was sure that this would help me find solutions and answers. Don't get excited. It didn't. The lacatation nurse said the same thing as my doctor, "it's probably teething."

I had reached an all time low in my new journey through motherhood. I started to feel angry at my baby. I was geniunely angry with her like she was purposefully doing this to hurt me. That's when I knew that I had to make a change. So, I prayed about it. I asked God to give me a sign on how to fix this issue, because I couldn't keep feeling this way. It was turning me into a bad mom. Sure enough, God gave me that sign. I was feeding my baby one night before bed, and I decided to craddle her while giving her the bottle almost as if I was breastfeeding her. She was eating very contently and happily. In that moment, she looked up at me and smiled. Sounds like a very basic and moment, but it wasn't for me.

Becoming A Better Mother

After all of the screaming and crying, trying to get her to breastfeed, this was a moment I needed. That smile showed me that she was happy eating from the bottle. I realized all I should care about is her happiness. I was being selfish and overlooking what was best for my daughter. I was upset because I wanted to breastfeed my daughter. Not because she wanted to do it. So, maybe she only wants to nurse in the mornings and then take bottles the rest of the day? I will honestly never know because unfortunatly babies can't talk. If that's what makes her happy, then I'm going to do it. Her happiness is the most important thing to me and I forgot that. In that moment, God taught me what it was like to be a mother. It's about self sacrifice and choosing what is best for your baby (and ultimatley yourself).

I'll probably never get true answers to why this happened and I'm okay with that now. Thankfully my supply is back to normal, and I'm able to pump and give my daughter breastmilk for feedings. I'm learning my new normal while becoming a pumping mama (it's just as good and hard as breastfeeding, so don't let anyone tell you otherwise mamas). To all of the mothers out there struggling to feed your child, please know that you're not alone. There is another mother somewhere else feeling the exact same way as you. Please know that it doesn't matter how you feed your baby. What matters is how you love your baby, and that's how I learned how to what it means to be a mother. Well, at least my definition of it.